we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
