I love black thongs
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
