We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
