Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
