Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Houston, we have a blender
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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