She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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