last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
