im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
