I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
