He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
