I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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