When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
