I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
