He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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