When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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