Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
