fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
