A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You took a bar mat shot.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
