I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
