you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
