textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
