I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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