it was like eating out sand paper
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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