i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Houston, we have a squirter
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Mom said you looked used
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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