that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
