I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
