i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
