They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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