Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
