I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
