I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
