okay pat passed out under dana's car
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
