accomplished twins. life is a go
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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