20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
