I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Randomize
