We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
