He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
