Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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