that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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