Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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