Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
