Will you blow on my dice?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
