I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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