just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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