i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
