that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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