I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
