spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
