I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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