Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
