if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize