Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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