You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
